I wanted to write something pithy, something uplifting, something that would make the heart sing its way into the weekend and distract us from the fact that one of our two major political parties has not merely gone slightly mad, but has done so in a way that simply screams out for large doses of psychoactive medicine (Our best chance for electoral victory is if millions of Americans go hungry and thousands more die at the hands of terrorists -- that'll show the bastards for even once speaking favorably of BUSH in an opinion poll).

Couldn't. Sorry.

What I decided to do instead was to point out that this, while mean, is also hilarious. And right.

When Hurricane Gilbert -- Category 5 and winds that could knock a young Dolly Parton on her side -- was on a dead-on collision course with Houston, where I lived at the time, there were three categories of humans:

The survivors, i.e., those smart enough to pack everything up and get ready to haul ass inland as fast as possible;

The 'tweeners, i.e., those for whom either fate or finances made it impossible to leave thusly (or who were smart enough to want to live, but not smart enough to leave), and who thus battened down the hatches and made sure to have enough bottled water and dry goods to last a week; and

The morons, i.e., The Guys Who Proved Darwin Right, which is to say, the ones who thought that a Category 5 with gusts over 200 miles an hour would lead to some sweet waves, and, Dude, I've got my board, Dude, I've got my boat, let's rock!

I regret that Gilbert did not hit Houston, because, first, it scoured the Yucatan, and quite frankly, Texans were in a better position to take that damage than the largely poor inhabitants of that peninsula, and, second, because some filtering of the gene pool is desirable.

Charles In Charge: The Porn Years

NOT OFFICE SAFE. I found out the hard way.

That said, this post led to this post, which led to the comments, which led me to Google the names "Nicole Eggert" and "Erika Eleniak" in an unfiltered image search.

Do so, and (1) be impressed, (2) be ashamed, and (3) be amazed at how quickly celebrity dies for attractive young women.

Via Ben -- aw, heck, he says it best:

Oh, and one last thing: Al Franken is so going to hell.

So, it appears, is at least one writer for The Onion.

Why I never link to Matthew Yglesias. Never. Fortunately, Tacitus plumbs the depths for us.

Oh, for reference: No bishop needed to excommunicate the Nazis. Back then, catechesis was a little better, so every Catholic knew that initiating or taking part in mass murder leads to excommunication by nature of the act itself. In the same way that a doctor who is "Catholic" who performs abortions is consigned to Hell without the bell and the book, so were any "Catholic" Nazis -- especially those who directly aided the mass murder.

And the Pope didn't excommunicate Hitler because the man wasn't Catholic, and wasn't Christian. It would be like formally telling me I'm no Wiccan -- I coulda told you that. Hitler renounced Christianity in his early teens. I know, many liberals suspect that all devout Catholics are closet Nazis, but y'all are gonna have to work a little harder to prove it.

One last: Apropos of this slander:

And we haven't even started talking about Croatia yet -- there's a story to set your blood boiling.

News flash: That particular Franciscan was excommunicated officially. Those others who were not, were excommunicate de facto. Did some "priests" take part in atrocities? I'd be shocked if they didn't -- they are human, and prone to err as any other. Are they in Hell now? One can but hope. Does this mean that the Church is Evil? Please.

Let's not start comparing body counts among competing ideologies here, o secular humanist Matthew.

Clarification on that last item:

(1) The new model is in pre-production. The engineering team expects it to roll off the factory floor around, sigh, April 15th.

(2) Technically, this will be the second model of that generation of [Crowns] -- which still leaves us below replacement rate. As we cannot have .2 children, we shall have to simply put in the long hours to produce a new model in the not-too-distant future.

(3) If there's any doubt, given the usually dry nature of my writing, about how I feel about this:

I'm:

(a) ecstatic;

(b) elated;

(c) overjoyed;

(d) enraptured;

(e) jumping up and down (well, I was a little while ago);

(f) happier than a pig in shit; and -- for those who know me well, let us not forget:

(g) scared out of my mind that something is going to go wrong. (The last time, the doctors threatened to prescribe me sedatives. I do not foresee being calmer this time.)

Some time ago, I promised to explain why posting has been light the last couple of months. Well, in no particular order:

(1) I'm not all that bright. I don't really have that much to say.

(2) I've been getting settled into the new job.

(3) We moved. That took longer than you'd think.

(4) No internet access at home. Long story.

And now, for the big announcement:

(5) The [Crown] family: Keeping the population above replacement rate since 2001. (Actually, the extended [Crown] family has been doing that for centuries.)

A few points for an otherwise busy morning:

* Overrated. That deadly defense means nothing if (1) your offense is poop, and (2) your kicker gets blocked three times, including on an extra point. Ain't the kicker's fault if it happens that often, kids.

I'd personally like to see Gruden taken down a few pegs. This is a nice start.

* Also overrated. The Bengals, kids. You beat the Bengals by three. I don't care how psyched everyone is about the new coach, they're still the Bengals until proven otherwise. Super Bowl contenders my @*$.

* I've neglected to mention this to date, but one of my best friends in da whole wide woild, Jimmy, is headed off to Kandahar, to do contracting for Halliburton. (Gasp!) I wish him luck; it might seem crazy to a lot of folks, but I see why he's doing what he's doing. Stop in -- he'll be back to blogging on his site soon, and we can get a first hand report on the state of Afghanistan.

* Turn signals are our friends, kids.

* As a rule of thumb, only an idiot gives away the starting quarterback's job because the starter got injured. Mike Martz is an idiot. Warner is one of the highest-rated passers of all time, can read a blitz like no one's business, is deadly accurate, and knows the offense backward and forward. But Marc Bulger benefits from Mike Martz actually using Marshall Faulk in, you know, the game, so Bulger starts.

Moron.

* Woo hoo!

* (First item:) HAHAHAHAHA. Suuuure. Have we, as a nation, turned into a bunch of women? Actually, that's not fair to my wife; she'd kick someone's ass before admitting she's "afraid." "John Ashcroft scares me," "Antonin Scalia scares me," "W. scares me," and so on. Grow a pair and go to battle, if you don't like them.

* Those right-wing scare mongers have taken over the Guardian! Stories like that one, and this one, are just propoganda designed to force women into back-alley abortions!

I joke, but someone somewhere is probably thinking exactly that right now.

* It's called withdrawal, Bill, and it's a sign of illness. Seek help.