Sunday, January 19, 2014

5 Reasons Everyone Should Stab Himself in the Chest in His Twenties

1. You'll understand your body as never before. Until you've burst open your body with a sharp, bladed instrument, you tend to think of your pulse and heartrate as data. Oh, look, my blood pressure is up to 130/78, I may want to do more running or My resting heart rate is up to 60, I should check out on the internet whether that's a good idea. But when you feel the cold steel separate your skin, greedily seeking the fluids that make life possible, you'll feel the rhythm of your body as never before. Every heartbeat, every gush of suddenly bright-red blood exiting your torso will, however briefly, make you feel alive as you've never felt.

2. It strengthens you. Everyone knows that scars are tougher than skin, and you'll now have multiple layers of scarring, if you survive. Your skin, your muscle, your heart if your aim is good, will all have tangible proof of their ability to handle adversity, if you survive. More importantly than that, having torn open your body's largest cavity, you'll be psychologically stronger than ever before. Worried about asking for that raise? You've seen the black tunnel close around your vision, what's asking for an extra $3,000 per year compared to that? (If you survive.)

3. You'll never accept second-best again. If you survive, or even if you don't, cracking open your chest with a bladed instrument will show you that settling for something hurtful can only bring you pain, dizziness, loss of breath, numbness, tunnel-vision, and long term brain damage. Every auto loan, every mortgage, every relationship you consider after this, assuming you survive, will appear in a new light. Is this good for me, or is it like stabbing myself in the chest, metaphorically or not? Your whole life from this point forward, if you survive, will help you appreciate the finer things in life anew.

4. You'll find out who your true friends are. This will give you several new ways to find out which friends are friends for life, and which ones were lying when they chipped in on that cracked BFF necklace you each wear. Who fumbles around trying to tie a tourniquet on a chest wound, and who goes in the next room vomiting and crying? Who calls 911, and who actually applies pressure to the wound? Who throws away the knife, and who says, Aw, fuck it and stabs you in the places you missed? Who visits you at the hospital, and who waits until the funeral to show up?

5. You have great things to look forward to. No matter how this ends, a whole new adventure awaits you. If you survive, you'll have what is likely your first long-term stay in a hospital, together with people who care and check your temperature and blood pressure every 4 hours. You'll get to try new medicines, and your life will likely never seem the same ever again. If you die, you'll go to Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, or none of the above if you think that's something that might happen. And who knows? Either way, an eternal adventure (or not!) is just around the edge of a sharpened kitchen knife!