BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETS --

DEMOCRAT Presidental Candidate John Forbes Kerry announced today a new program to shore up his support with African-American groups, a key constituency in any Democrat bid for the White House.

Called the "Bling Bling" Initiative, the plan would give millions of taxpayer-funded pieces of gaudy jewelry to African Americans as part of the Kerry2004 economic platform.

"We live in the wealthiest nation in the world," Kerry told a rally here today. "Seventy percent of Americans have little or no bling of their own. Everyone should have enough bling; there is no such thing as too much bling. Bling is a right, and it is our duty to make it affordable to every American." The Kerry campaign has indicated that this rally will begin playing as an ad in key battleground states such as Florida and Illinois, states that the campaign describes as "amoung the hardest hit in the continuing bling recession."

The rally drew immediate criticism from Congressional Republicans, who called the Initiative "insane," "loony," "demeaning," "racist," and, in the words of House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R, TX) "worthy of Walter Mondale."

Kerry's press secretary responded angrily to those attacks. "This is simply typical of the losses Americans have suffered under 'President' George W. Bush," he stated, using the universally respected "hanging fingers" for the quotation marks around the word "President."

"Since Bush took office, American bling has fallen in quality and quantity. Ordinary Americans can longer afford thick gold chains and oversized, diamond-studded earrings. And too much bling is made overseas, by exploited and underpaid workers, at the behest of Benedict Arnold CEOs."

Kerry had been under fire from prominent African-American Democrats for, among other things, ignoring them altogether, failing to hug Al Sharpton, including virtually no people of color in his lily-white campaign team, naming John Edwards as his vice-President, and, finally, being altogether unsure what a black person looks like, except for the women who clean his wife's numerous houses.